Beautiful Book Titles

While browsing at a local bookstore during lunch break today, as I strolled across the aisle reserved for books on Sex and Sexuality, I couldn't control my laughter glancing through these titles. They got funnier as they came:-

Great Sex Games
Pure Sex - The Intimate Guide to Sexual Fulfilment
101 Nights of Grreat Sex
How to Make Love to a Man
302 Advanced Techniques for Driving a Man Wild in Bed
Sex Tips - From Men who Ride the Sexual Frontier
Sex for The Clueless
This Book is About Sex

Just Shut Up and Die!!

Does anybody understand what is it with newly established couples? Why is it that they simply must have to flaunt their brand new couplehood to the whole world?

I was at this friend's birthday party the other night, and one couple felt it their moral birthright to keep talking about each other, mocking at each other with twinkles in their eyes, play flirty games with each other, narrating to an absolutely disinterested audience as to how they fought in Pune and patched up in Goa, and how they never ever want to go to Pune again as they are too superstitious about fighting with each other all over again because they simply cannot afford to lose each other, and how another holiday to Goa will be welcome anytime, and how he is so extra friendly with her mother sharing a beer or two with her on sunday afternoons, and how his dad sends her naughty SMSes, and how she is always cross with him because he never sends her any SMSes and thats why his dad is so much more sweeter, and how he has the more easier job, and how nice it is of him to drop her back home every night, and how despite having radically disparate tastes in food , wine, music, movies, books, people, places, and various other matters unworthy of a mention they still are so much in love with each other and how they cant stop getting surprised and wondering exactly what is it that binds them, and how all that is probably true love, and then end up sighing, smiling, cuddling and nuzzling each other all over again in full view of the rest of the party who had all by now abandoned them to their corner because all of us were only TOO BORED putting up with their sopoforic display of endearing love, which they went about conducting and blabbering about without even trying to gauge if anyone of us was actually interested in giving a patient hearing to their bunkum. AAARGHHHHH!!

Kareena in my Loo

Over the past week or two, it is becoming extremely dificult for me to fight the temptation of adopting the exquisitely beautiful, ivory coloured, rather healthy looking (I guess she is probably pregnant) common household lizard that resides above the tubelight in my bathroom, as my latest pet animal. 'Kareena Kapoor' is what I intend to christen her, due to the striking resemblance.

However, my dismally poor knowlegde of zoology does to allow me to ascertain the sex of this lizard. Though, given her stunning facial features and alluring body language, it can be safely assumed that she is female. Furthermore, possibly, only a female can excrete with such dignified grace. Her behaviour during this entire process in which she produces a perfectly clove shaped excreta. You should watch her do it. She has often engrossed me during the time I pretend to have a bath.

The Breezy Life

My friend is chronically depressed (it possibly is a malady that is seen automatically in people who are unfortunate enough to qualify as my ‘friends’, but then that’s strictly besides the point)

Mr. Moily is one of his two parents my friend Anil has. Anil has been a close pal for almost a decade now. Over this period, while visits at his place, I must have met Mr. Moily innumerable times. Whats of immediately worthy notice here is, as far as memory takes me, I’ve seen Mr. Moily only dead drunk, whatever be the time of the day, or the day of the year.

Additionally, almost everyday, Mr. Moily’s daughter (name withheld on request), casually chit-chats with the ghost of an erstwhile landlord of a large part of land on which Mr. Moily’s residential apartment stands today. Interestingly, she is quite blasé about these supernatural visits, and in fact frequently makes light, interesting anecdotal conversation about it.

After a certain years of silent tolerance, Mrs. Moily decided not to put up with her husband and his perennial influence of intoxicants, any more than she could accept her daughter’s informality and lack of reserve with dead landlords. It is now the opportune moment to add that even Anil had never been a model son to his mother (details withheld on request). The cumulative effect of all this was that Mrs. Moily disowned them collectively, is missing and has reportedly become a sanyasin. Untraceable by choice.

In parallel circumstances, for three years Anil has been getting meager increments at work, and his girlfriend cum fiancé recently summarized that she was off to Australia for good and if everything went well would never want to see him again.

Whew!! What a life!!

Man, in essence is Lonely

And here's the proof:-

Ask even anyone who has many loves, friends, or a great understanding spouse, yet somewhere down there everyone feels lonely. Its just that one tends to magnify this feeling a bit out of proportion and get depressed.

Yes there are times when you feel acutely lonely, for eg. I’ve been going down on my knees begging before everyone I know to accompany me to Sangeeta Theatre Malad East to see ‘Sajanwa Se Kar Do Humra Milanwa Hai Raam’ ('Dear God, please allow my marriage to be consumated') - the latest superhit Bhojpuri film in the matinee show, but just no one was willing. No One !

However, does that mean I feel lonely? Do I feel depressed? I only laugh at all of you for not realizing what solid entertainment you guys are missing.

Something similar happened to me when I so badly wanted to see another highly interesting sounding Bhojpuri movie, 'Sainyyan Maggan Pehelwaani Mein' ('Alas, my husband is way too busy buffing up his body') ... no company.. Acute Loneliness!!!

Riddle Time !!

Which lady in Indian Mythology had a green colored ass?
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Ans:- GANDHARI !!

The Musical Ear

In some observant moments, I have often realised that during a discussion of fine music, my friends unfairly leave me and my views out very pointedly. They blame this exclusion to a combination of the following reasons:-

a) They have frequently found me guilty of humming, "Galle mein laal tie, ghar mein ek chaarpaai."

b) They have detected the presence of audiocassettes titled "DJ Doll" in the glove compartment of my car.

c) I have in the past vociferously defended the singing capabilities of Adnan Sami and Shabeer Kumar.

d) Mention Bappi Lahiri, and I get into a near trance.

e) Alisha Chinai's sighs make me experience sexual arousal

f) I have a fixated opinion that Beethoven aped Annu Malik

g) I insist on singing all their favorite songs in a manner how SP Balasubramnium might have sung it in his thickly accented Hindi.

Whats Your Excuse?

Usually, a Date falls very broadly into two basic categories:-
a) The ones to be accepted
b) The ones to be declined
We can apply the 20-80% principal here, with 20 falling in the first category, and 80 falling in the second. It is a cardinal rule.

Now the moot point here is, when you are declining 80% of your probable dates, it has to be done it with a practiced panache. The clincher is the one big excuse that you need to give to avoid the date.

Again these excuses fall under two broad categories
a) The ones that sound plausible
b) Other that don’t
(Apply the 20-80% break up here again)

Most regrettably, most of my excuses do fall under the “I don’t buy that, why don’t you just say that you are not interested” section. But since we were born incorrigible, we still use them, with the confidence that it will ring absolutely true and bring about desirous effects, without mucho unpleasantness and sour exchanges. (Yeah right, go on say it, “What the hell do you think of yourself Prem, declining dates like that?”)

Here’s proudly presenting, my most time-worn, weather beaten, excuses to avoid a date, in no particular order. All equally unsuccessful in avoiding the subsequent grumpy retorts after their utilization.

a) Suddenly, I have a few guests at home
b) My mother wants to go shopping
c) Today is Raksha Bandhan, I have to take my sister for a movie
d) My dog broke his leg again
e) My parrot bit my niece’s finger, I have to rush her to the doc.
f) I got loose motions
g) I’m feeling very sleepy, you will get bored with me tonite
h) I have an early morning flight to Bhuj tommorow
i) I have a rash on my upper lip that’s due to an allergy to … umm.. air
j) I have an in-growing toenail, that hurts real bad

Manhandling

Sometimes I hold it in my hand and shake it real hard much to the shock of gawking onlookers.

At other times, I like to beat it repeatedly against a hard surface, this time the onlookers cringe wondering how I can be so harsh with it.

But I firmly believe that this is exactly the kind of treatment that must be given to my obstinately errant Nokia handset that blanks out its screen display every now and then.