The Open Air Horse Laterine

Imagine a beach that has more horse pee than sea water

Imagine a beach that has more horse dung than sand

Imagine a beach infested with masseurs who vend various nefarious services other than a massage

Imagine a beach lined with food stalls that sell, besides snacks, some rare strains of cholera, jaundice and associated food poisonings.

Now stop imagining and go find it all in real. Welcome to Juhu Beach, Mumbai!!

Juhu beach, is not a beach.. it should be renamed 'Juhu Open Air Horse Laterine' what with all those horse driven carriages that joyous and excitable tourists insist on taking a ride on to derive some kind of thrills.

It is easily the world's worst water front and I feel sick everytime I have walked on it. And that people still want to go there baffles me beyond imagination.

Meet Montu

Montu is a cousin of mine. The gender is male (just in case someone doesnt realise whether Montu is a male or female name, just like it happens to me with the name Manju)

Members of my family always have to have some pet name of sorts, and Montu's is .. well.. Montu!! So much so that, we tend to forget the real complete registered name and spend a lifetime referring to someone like Montu as Montu. I have forgotten his real name already, dont even remotely recollect it.

(At this juncture, it must be added that I'm not going to tell you my pet names, so please dont ask.)

Coming back to Montu, he is a couple of years older to me and has a daughter of those many years. Montu along with his mom, his wife and his daughter recently decided to do what most of my far off relatives from the northern regions decide to do when the winter there gets on to them... they come and plonk themselves under our care in warmer Bombay.

And then begins the saga of taking them shopping, showing them the new places, the "kissi disco mein jayein, kissi hotel mein khayein" routine and the extremely painful task of, "Arre Prem, koi filmstar toh dikhao yaar" and the embarassment of watching them accost small time TV actors/remix music video dancers for an autograph. Plus since Montu has a daughter and that daughter has a mind of her own, one has also to take her to the most dreadful part of Mumbai - Esselworld

Coming back to Montu, it is interesting what twists and turns a man's life can undergo. He spent long disinterested hours in his father's saree shop selling sarees to the local ladies of a remote district of Himachal, where he began spending time reading about astrology, nakshatras, jyotishshastras, etc , and slowly started pratcising these arts on the ladies. Women being forever interested in bunkum like that began to arrive as a throng at Montu's saree store and were driven to him like nymphos to dildos. Evidently Montu turned out to be pretty good at this work, word of mouth his fame spread far and wide, till such time someone suggested that he do a professional jyotishshastra course.

Leaving his fathers saree shop forever, Montuji enrolled into some astrology institute nearby, where after spending a few weeks under the tutelage of his guru, his guru announced "Beta Montu, tujhe kucch seekhne ki zaroorat nahi hai, tujhme toh yeh vidya pehle se hee moujood hai". Heeding his Gurus words, Montu set up an time astrological consulatation office that now occupies the larger part of his father's saree shop, where he charges not less that one grand for consulation, and this visit of his to Bombay, he treated as some sort of Business Development Visit and intends to start up a branch office in Bombay with doubled rates.

My mom's concluding words: "Look how enterprising everyone is, and you just know how to sit in front of the computer and laugh at the world in general!"

Overheard from Mumbai Local's Ladies Compartment

This was an incident, I had the extreme privilege to witness not many moons ago, while traveling in the Mumbai Local Trains, next to the ladies compartment.

A machiwali (fisherwoman) got into the ladies’ compartment with a huge basket of fish, with water dripping from it.

Lady in Train (LIT): Ae ae, idhar kyun rakha hai tokri
(“hey hey Why have you kept the basket here?”)

MachiWali (MW): Toh kya tera sirr pe rakhun kya ch*%tiya saali
(“Then where else do I keep it, on your head?” Followed by some random abuses)

LIT: Gaali kyun deti hai, inn log ke saath baat hee nahi karna chahiye
(“Why are you abusing, its best not to talk to these women”)

MW: Toh kya yeh sab lishpikk laga ke tu apne aap ko karishma samajhti hai kya bh%sad&%ki
(Do you think the excessive application of lipstick makes you resemble Karishma?” More abuses)

LIT: Ae saali kutti, gaali nahi dene ka
(“Listen bloody bitch, stop abusing”)

MW: Toh kya karegi bol, main apne marrad ko bolegi, woh tujhe zorr se ch&ddega!! Ab tu chup chaap ghar ja aur ch%%t ka missall kha
(“So?? What will you do? I will send my husband and he will bonk you violently. Now quietly go home” followed by more abuses)

LIT by now too embarrassed and almost close to tears finally moved away and stopped arguing.

I have a few thoughts:-
## Note how MW threatens LIT that she will send her husband to have some rough animalistic sex with her. As if it’s a punishment!

## Also noteworthy is the innovative abuses that the MW ended this cat fight with. “Jaake ch%%t ka missal kha”
For the benefit of those who didn’t understand here is a short glossary of terms
a) Ch%%t:- A vital female body part
b) Missal:- A common maharashtrian snack preparation

Please Don't Call Me

Its time to share something deeply heartfelt.

I HATE CELL PHONES AND HATE CARRYING ONE AROUND

I have never had a cell-phone of my own, but due to the nature of my work, my employers have unfortunately thrust one on me.... and life has not been the same anymore. I cannot have dinner without interruptions coz some &^%$^% overseas client decides to talk to me then, I cant have a bath in peace and have to go running out dripping and wrapped in a towel coz some &^%&^% somewhere wants some urgent info, and also, I cannot seem to remember when was the last time I peacefully excreted without having to talk to someone while at it.

At times, I intentionally damage my cell phone, and my office takes it away for repairs and those are the most serene days on my life. But then they got smarter, they give me a replacement handset for the days when my orginal handset has gone off for repairs.