Under Renovation

Mamata's on a fast

2006-12-28T14:42:00.000-08:00

Mamata Bannerjee is undertaking some fast to allegedly protest against some shit (that I'm too bored to elaborate on) Of course, it is just another stunt to get her some much wanted attention.
I just hope she starves and dies!

Auntyji's Phonecalls

2006-04-05T19:35:00.000-07:00

An aunt of mine in Simla, a very sweet and concerned lady.. calls us every sunday and insists on letting us know all the possible notable and trivial events that occured in her life during the past week. And asks all about us in return too. She does this every sunday which is all very sweet except for the fact that she makes these calls at 6am.... I MEAN,SIX AM... on a sunday morning...!! Here I am at 6 AM on a sunday morning , all groggy from a hangover and she is all chirpy and enthusiastic..... ufff

My pompous friend

2006-03-28T21:19:00.000-08:00

Satya my friend goes on and on about himself. This is a sample of his talks...

"I stopped working for that afternoon newspaperbecause i became much sought after and at the risk of becoming a page three celebrity myself, something too dreadful and fairly nauseating. Marriage was never on the cards for me, but mind you that does not necessarily mean that there was a dearth of proposals. Girls have been throwing themselves at me left right and centre, ever since puberty"

I took a quick lookat his 39" waist, sagging boobs-one of which pointed to the south west and the other to the south east, ebbing hairlineand said, "yes, i believe you Satya, you were always the smooth ladykiller. There wasnt any girl who could resist your charms.

" It was really nice meeting you Satya."

"Yes Prem, in fact I didnt know wh would be such a nice guy. I found you quite stuck up in college."

Whew..................

Different People Love Chicken Differently

2005-06-09T02:44:00.000-07:00

While lazing on a Sunday afternoon at a friend’s place after a particularly hectic night of revelry, he earnestly asked us if we were in the mood to watch some unintentionally hilarious porn.

Always the one to love things, people, and events that fall under the category , ‘unintentionally hilarious’ I jumped at the offer and asked him to play it on without any significant delay.

Credits rolled, faces and the pseudonyms of the main players appeared as a montage (I was marveling at how things have become so professional for this genre of cinema too), and then the action began….

Humans were doing it to animals, and vice versa. “Not my cup of tea, does not thrill me, does not arouse me, I’m not into this kinda stuff” I kept mumbling these grumbles while he asked me to wait and watch…he forwarded it to some scene in which it noticed a naked man sitting alone on a couch, playing with something really fluffy and really noisy that he held over his lap. On closer inspection I found that it was… a hen !!

I mean, the poor hen yaar… cudn’t he get any other animal? Screeching, clucking like a banshee the hens feathers were flying all over the place, but our man was heedless and continued his frenzied, relentless and abnormally aggressive lovemaking to the fowl, pretty evidently enjoying his act and almost proud of it.

And then…. maybe the hen decided to rather die than endure all that any longer.

So the hen died.

But he continued doing it to the dead hen till he climaxed, after which he dismounted the hen off his member and used whatever feathers were left on it to wipe himself clean. Later he threw the hen away, randomly slapped his own thighs and his own behind while giving satisfied groans. The camera panned on the dead hen for a few seconds till it faded into the next episode.

What a waste of a hen. I love my hens too, but cooked, not fucked. I wish someone had cooked it and made some nice chicken tikka, instead of just fucking it to death.

What am I doing with these People?

2005-05-12T01:31:00.000-07:00

Character Assassination seems to be the most favorite hobby of people I know. Or is it that I happen to be friendly only with superbitches, male and female.

Sample the kind of things I have been told by various friends, relatives and acquaintences about others lately:-

1) Arre, she!!! She is one big slut yaar. You just have to go honk your car horn below her balocny at night and she will come in and give u a good time (actually the word that was used was not good time, it was an explanation of a graphic sexual act)

2) He is hopelessly gay. He made a pass at me yaar. I was shocked. I felt yucked out. I thought he had a girlfriend.

3) If she keeps on getting more of those botox treatments, a day will come when her eyebrows reach her scalp

4) And then he puked in my car !!!!! I tell you this is what happens when you put Tamilians in a car

5) I was served watermelons during my shoot, and she wasnt. So I just had to tell her, "Darling watermelons are only for the upper class"

6) Eeks, she is nothing but a measly Vishwa Hindu Parishad member. Can you imagine going to temples and chanting shlokas everyday.

7) Next time ask her to stay away from me. I cant be seen standing next to a girl who still wears low waist jeans. They are so 2003.

What say? Dont you think I need to change the set of people I intermingle with?

Tendering a Resignation

2005-05-03T04:41:00.000-07:00

Mohan a colleague of mine resigned from the services to our company recently, and this was a drab and deceptive parting email he sent to all of us at office
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Dear All

I want to take a moment to let you know that I am leaving my position at Intelenet. I have enjoyed my tenure here and appreciate having the opportunity to work with you all.

Thank you for the support, guidance and encouragement you have provided me during my time at Intelenet.

Even though I will miss my colleagues and the company, I am looking forward to this new challenge and to starting a new phase of my career.

Please keep in touch, I can be reached at my personal email address blahblahblah@rediffmail.com or at home-98&%^&%^&%^&%^

Thanks once again for everything.

Yours truly,

Mohan

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I sincerely wish Mohan had been slightly more frank, forthright and honest in his mail. Maybe something like this would have been much more an interesting and enjoyable read, maybe I would do it while leaving..

Dear All

I want to take a moment to rub it into you guys that while I am leaving my position at Intelenet, you dumb oafs will still rot here for more. I dont know what I hated more here.. my workstation? my work per se? or was it just all of you guys? and dont know what must I have done to deserve this hideous misfortune of working with you all.

Thank you for all the bickering, back biting, one-upmanship games and wheeling dealings that you subjected me to during my time at Intelenet.

Man, am I glad to get rid of all of you fro0m my existance permanently!!

Fuck off and never stay in touch with me, coz im changing my email id, and my mobile number too

Balls to you,

Mohan
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There, isn't that much better?

The Open Air Horse Laterine

2005-02-14T19:47:00.000-08:00

Imagine a beach that has more horse pee than sea water

Imagine a beach that has more horse dung than sand

Imagine a beach infested with masseurs who vend various nefarious services other than a massage

Imagine a beach lined with food stalls that sell, besides snacks, some rare strains of cholera, jaundice and associated food poisonings.

Now stop imagining and go find it all in real. Welcome to Juhu Beach, Mumbai!!

Juhu beach, is not a beach.. it should be renamed 'Juhu Open Air Horse Laterine' what with all those horse driven carriages that joyous and excitable tourists insist on taking a ride on to derive some kind of thrills.

It is easily the world's worst water front and I feel sick everytime I have walked on it. And that people still want to go there baffles me beyond imagination.

Meet Montu

2005-02-02T21:31:00.000-08:00

Montu is a cousin of mine. The gender is male (just in case someone doesnt realise whether Montu is a male or female name, just like it happens to me with the name Manju)

Members of my family always have to have some pet name of sorts, and Montu's is .. well.. Montu!! So much so that, we tend to forget the real complete registered name and spend a lifetime referring to someone like Montu as Montu. I have forgotten his real name already, dont even remotely recollect it.

(At this juncture, it must be added that I'm not going to tell you my pet names, so please dont ask.)

Coming back to Montu, he is a couple of years older to me and has a daughter of those many years. Montu along with his mom, his wife and his daughter recently decided to do what most of my far off relatives from the northern regions decide to do when the winter there gets on to them... they come and plonk themselves under our care in warmer Bombay.

And then begins the saga of taking them shopping, showing them the new places, the "kissi disco mein jayein, kissi hotel mein khayein" routine and the extremely painful task of, "Arre Prem, koi filmstar toh dikhao yaar" and the embarassment of watching them accost small time TV actors/remix music video dancers for an autograph. Plus since Montu has a daughter and that daughter has a mind of her own, one has also to take her to the most dreadful part of Mumbai - Esselworld

Coming back to Montu, it is interesting what twists and turns a man's life can undergo. He spent long disinterested hours in his father's saree shop selling sarees to the local ladies of a remote district of Himachal, where he began spending time reading about astrology, nakshatras, jyotishshastras, etc , and slowly started pratcising these arts on the ladies. Women being forever interested in bunkum like that began to arrive as a throng at Montu's saree store and were driven to him like nymphos to dildos. Evidently Montu turned out to be pretty good at this work, word of mouth his fame spread far and wide, till such time someone suggested that he do a professional jyotishshastra course.

Leaving his fathers saree shop forever, Montuji enrolled into some astrology institute nearby, where after spending a few weeks under the tutelage of his guru, his guru announced "Beta Montu, tujhe kucch seekhne ki zaroorat nahi hai, tujhme toh yeh vidya pehle se hee moujood hai". Heeding his Gurus words, Montu set up an time astrological consulatation office that now occupies the larger part of his father's saree shop, where he charges not less that one grand for consulation, and this visit of his to Bombay, he treated as some sort of Business Development Visit and intends to start up a branch office in Bombay with doubled rates.

My mom's concluding words: "Look how enterprising everyone is, and you just know how to sit in front of the computer and laugh at the world in general!"

Overheard from Mumbai Local's Ladies Compartment

2005-02-02T02:33:00.000-08:00

This was an incident, I had the extreme privilege to witness not many moons ago, while traveling in the Mumbai Local Trains, next to the ladies compartment.

A machiwali (fisherwoman) got into the ladies’ compartment with a huge basket of fish, with water dripping from it.

Lady in Train (LIT): Ae ae, idhar kyun rakha hai tokri
(“hey hey Why have you kept the basket here?”)

MachiWali (MW): Toh kya tera sirr pe rakhun kya ch*%tiya saali
(“Then where else do I keep it, on your head?” Followed by some random abuses)

LIT: Gaali kyun deti hai, inn log ke saath baat hee nahi karna chahiye
(“Why are you abusing, its best not to talk to these women”)

MW: Toh kya yeh sab lishpikk laga ke tu apne aap ko karishma samajhti hai kya bh%sad&%ki
(Do you think the excessive application of lipstick makes you resemble Karishma?” More abuses)

LIT: Ae saali kutti, gaali nahi dene ka
(“Listen bloody bitch, stop abusing”)

MW: Toh kya karegi bol, main apne marrad ko bolegi, woh tujhe zorr se ch&ddega!! Ab tu chup chaap ghar ja aur ch%%t ka missall kha
(“So?? What will you do? I will send my husband and he will bonk you violently. Now quietly go home” followed by more abuses)

LIT by now too embarrassed and almost close to tears finally moved away and stopped arguing.

I have a few thoughts:-
## Note how MW threatens LIT that she will send her husband to have some rough animalistic sex with her. As if it’s a punishment!

## Also noteworthy is the innovative abuses that the MW ended this cat fight with. “Jaake ch%%t ka missal kha”
For the benefit of those who didn’t understand here is a short glossary of terms
a) Ch%%t:- A vital female body part
b) Missal:- A common maharashtrian snack preparation

Please Don't Call Me

2005-02-02T02:00:00.000-08:00

Its time to share something deeply heartfelt.

I HATE CELL PHONES AND HATE CARRYING ONE AROUND

I have never had a cell-phone of my own, but due to the nature of my work, my employers have unfortunately thrust one on me.... and life has not been the same anymore. I cannot have dinner without interruptions coz some &^%$^% overseas client decides to talk to me then, I cant have a bath in peace and have to go running out dripping and wrapped in a towel coz some &^%&^% somewhere wants some urgent info, and also, I cannot seem to remember when was the last time I peacefully excreted without having to talk to someone while at it.

At times, I intentionally damage my cell phone, and my office takes it away for repairs and those are the most serene days on my life. But then they got smarter, they give me a replacement handset for the days when my orginal handset has gone off for repairs.

How to Spend an evening with a Boring Person without getting too Bored

2005-01-14T00:18:00.000-08:00

Among other dafts one can encounter in the course of our day to day existence, one prominent type are those who love to talk about themselves. It is invariably in a self aggrandizing way that they love to discuss, analyze and interpret themselves ad nauseum, they only are on the lookout for a receptive audience like yours truly. I am the all time masochist.

Through an unexpected stroke of ill luck, I bumped into such an old acquaintance last week. This non-stop talkathon guy insisted that I have dinner with him, which essentially was two hours spent being subjected to an unending, oppressive barrage of informational updates from his extremely disinteresting life. (Of course I did not get any opportunity to fill him with details of what’s been happening with me, not that I intended to anyway.)

The man leads a team of sales guys who sell some highly sophisticated medical equipment thingamajigs to those high end specialty surgeons and other such doctors who have a long list of pomposity portraying abbreviations after their names. As a result of his two hour dinner talkathon, I have been privileged enough to get to know how those equipment work, who buys them, how he manages to patao doctors who don’t know a thing about equipments and how it is only because of brilliant guys like him that the docs can treat dying patients, and thus how his is a noble profession, going on to how he fucks his sales team’s happiness (said amidst loud guffaws, while gulping down swigs of the cheap whiskey he ordered), and how he has been a top performer blah blah, how he was sent by his company on a well deserved and rewarding, 7 day all expenses paid holiday trip to Dubai (yuck, a place and a half to holiday in!!) and how he is almost on the verge of buying a brand new Honda city, and generally how much of a corporate success he has been and how his stock in the marriage market has skyrocketed.

My modus operandi in such situations goes thus:-
1) Concentrate more on the booze, even cheap whiskey serves well-enough to numb your senses to a suitable extent to help one appreciate ball talk like that.
2) Periodically, pretend to be interested and impressed, this will help him talk more and order more of such cheap whiskey
3) While chatting with waiters around, refer to your companion as “sa’ab” as in “: “Sa’ab ke liye refill laao.” Works wonders, Sa’ab gets his much desired ego massage.
4) Act elated when he says, “I like to share drinks and thoughts with only a few select buddies”

And that’s just how you can spend an evening with a boring person without getting too bored.

Cheers!!

Lady in Purple

2004-12-05T22:28:00.000-08:00

While pigging on a few ice-creams with a friend of mine at a Mc Donald’s outlet last week, we couldn’t help our ice-creams melt away due to our inattention, as our eyes were transfixed at an adjacent table on a lady in purple clothes who had her left index finger furiously and incessantly rotating inside her left nostril. She was seated with a nondescript male, very possibly a husband to her, who seemed not to notice her nostril excavations while talking to her. He spoke a lot, looking at her face all the time, pointedly avoiding her nose, we noticed however that no words were forthcoming from her, she only stared back at him while continuing her nostril drilling with an expression that conveyed a blend of dogged concentration and unmitigated pleasure. Neither did she extract any findings from this excavation, nor did she change the venue to the right nostril. She must have continued so for not less than fifteen minutes, by which time our ice creams had melted completely and had become warm milkshakes instead. Thanks to her, this was one memorable afternoon of my life, which actually is a rather telling comment on the quality of life that I lead.

There he goes again about dogs

2004-11-18T23:00:00.000-08:00

You can groan, you can run, you can hide, but I'm going to talk about dogs some more.

These days I am a bit troubled, vexed, worried and concerned. I suspect my lil puppy Selfish will grow up to be gay, coz he is obsessed with my crotch and wants to bury his nose in it all the time... it is so embarassing, and cannot even be ignored. Also this guy is so weird he specifically hunts out my underwears from the heap of clothes to be ironed/washed, lays it on the floor and sits on it wagging his tail as if he found some treasure.... stupid dog!!

What makes me more edgy is that recently a dumbstruck friend of mine saw a dog mounting a dog and made this rather keen observation, "Not only have these stray dogs come out of their kennels, they have come out of the closet too." Will Selfish mount dogs or bitches?

And that only reminds me of that day when I once saw a stray dog masturbating, he was doing it to the air....

Anyway, hope you guys have a great day and dont fret!

Random Disconnected Thoughts

2004-11-13T03:43:00.000-08:00

There ought to be a limit to:-

a) The number of people who come to give condolences to a lady who has recently lost her husband. They ought to come only for a day or two, and not for one whole month and making her go over the loss again and again, and watch her cry.

b) The sound levels of firecrackers. Deafening ones need to be abolished. Silent fireworks are so much more prudent. And an absolute ban on noisy festivities of any variety after 10pm.

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The following people need to be slapped across their faces repeatedly till they froth at their mouths and resemble a disturbed custard pudding.

a) People who drive very expensive luxury cars, and then stop at signals, open the door and spit out long threads of paan mastications on the road.

b) People who judge your friends and acquaintences by the way they look and the clothes they wear. Shallow Hals!

c) People who encourage beggars as a matter of prestige

I wish I was a surgeon

2004-10-21T02:36:00.000-07:00

There are times when I wish I was a mad surgeon on the rampage. I can immediately think of a number of people whom I would want supine on my surgery table, under general anaesthesia, while I have a go at them with scalpels, knives, scissors, hacksaws and the works. Cutting them open, watch some internal body fluids gush out akin to fountains, dig out their innards, put them up and about for display purposes to interested audiences, and then standing back and admiring all my skillfull work, like a painter looking at his favorite just completed painting.

Father dear wanted me to enrol in MBBS eons ago, if he is reading this somewhere he would be glad I was an obstinate oaf who didn't listen to him.

If Men wrote Agony Columns

2004-10-11T03:34:00.000-07:00

If men wrote Agony Columns in COSMOPOLITAN (and such women’s magazines)
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Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, while you go buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behaviour.
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Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal, after you perform oral sex on him.
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Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Why don't you instead buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
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Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
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Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
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Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
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Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
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Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Even before if possible.
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Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you just do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
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Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you
suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, cooking him a delicious meal or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready. Never mention this aspect of his behaviour
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Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
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Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
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The Nitpicking Clan

2004-10-05T00:45:00.000-07:00

Without any notable exceptions, most of my relatives fall into a category of people who are never easily impressed. Especially so while attending weddings. This is one scenario which makes them all uniformly hyper-critical. Whatever be the shamelessly ostentatious venues for those series of unecessary ceremomies spread over a week, whatever be the various flashy finery the bride the groom and their guests are dressed in, whatever be the innumerable courses of food and desserts served, whatever be the music and entertainment arangements, whatever be the hopelessly outdated or sickeningly in-fashion mandap and shamiana decorations, or flower displays, etc. etc. these guys are all singularly unimpressed, unentertained, unsatiated.

Most of them attend these dos to note shortcomings, find faults, nitpick and criticise, and one wedding would be fodder enough for malicious maligning for the rest of the year, even at the slightest remotest reminder of the event long gone by, they would come back to discussing it with renewed enthusiasm, and fresh criticisms of newer points and perspectives somehow left unanalysed in all talks hitherto.

"Did you see what kind of catering arrangements Sharma Aunty had made for Bela's mehndi raat? Too much salt in the food."

"And did you see what she was wearing, these days even class three clerks make their daughters dress better in their weddings."

"And what noodle shoodle things they served for dinner? They just bought some seviyaan and made it salty and call it chinese food."

"Arrangements were not up to the mark at all. I dont like to stand in a line for food, am I some kind of a qaidi?"

"How could they allow the whiskey to get over after 5 days of celebrations and continuous guzzling? They just dont know how to take care of guests. Its all so embarassing. Inki shaadiyon mein toh jaana hee nahi chahiye."

"We thought if we dont attend, yeh log mind karr jayenge, thats why we just came to say hello shello to them, but who had thought it would be so much of takleef. For them we even cancelled our Australia trip which the kids were so much looking forward to, and this is how we are treated in return, its the limit. We got only half the air-fare refunded, its not that I'm complaining about the money lost, its just that my children were really sad, you know its the fourth time such a holiday to Australia is being cancelled, the last three times also happened for relatives' weddings. All said and done, I feel even if they are terribly organised we have to attend weddings, after all if we dont attend their weddings, who will come to attend our children's weddings"

Its a Funny bunch I have been blessed with.

Beautiful Book Titles

2004-09-28T04:47:00.000-07:00

While browsing at a local bookstore during lunch break today, as I strolled across the aisle reserved for books on Sex and Sexuality, I couldn't control my laughter glancing through these titles. They got funnier as they came:-

Great Sex Games
Pure Sex - The Intimate Guide to Sexual Fulfilment
101 Nights of Grreat Sex
How to Make Love to a Man
302 Advanced Techniques for Driving a Man Wild in Bed
Sex Tips - From Men who Ride the Sexual Frontier
Sex for The Clueless
This Book is About Sex

Just Shut Up and Die!!

2004-09-27T01:18:00.000-07:00

Does anybody understand what is it with newly established couples? Why is it that they simply must have to flaunt their brand new couplehood to the whole world?

I was at this friend's birthday party the other night, and one couple felt it their moral birthright to keep talking about each other, mocking at each other with twinkles in their eyes, play flirty games with each other, narrating to an absolutely disinterested audience as to how they fought in Pune and patched up in Goa, and how they never ever want to go to Pune again as they are too superstitious about fighting with each other all over again because they simply cannot afford to lose each other, and how another holiday to Goa will be welcome anytime, and how he is so extra friendly with her mother sharing a beer or two with her on sunday afternoons, and how his dad sends her naughty SMSes, and how she is always cross with him because he never sends her any SMSes and thats why his dad is so much more sweeter, and how he has the more easier job, and how nice it is of him to drop her back home every night, and how despite having radically disparate tastes in food , wine, music, movies, books, people, places, and various other matters unworthy of a mention they still are so much in love with each other and how they cant stop getting surprised and wondering exactly what is it that binds them, and how all that is probably true love, and then end up sighing, smiling, cuddling and nuzzling each other all over again in full view of the rest of the party who had all by now abandoned them to their corner because all of us were only TOO BORED putting up with their sopoforic display of endearing love, which they went about conducting and blabbering about without even trying to gauge if anyone of us was actually interested in giving a patient hearing to their bunkum. AAARGHHHHH!!

Kareena in my Loo

2004-09-21T04:36:00.000-07:00

Over the past week or two, it is becoming extremely dificult for me to fight the temptation of adopting the exquisitely beautiful, ivory coloured, rather healthy looking (I guess she is probably pregnant) common household lizard that resides above the tubelight in my bathroom, as my latest pet animal. 'Kareena Kapoor' is what I intend to christen her, due to the striking resemblance.

However, my dismally poor knowlegde of zoology does to allow me to ascertain the sex of this lizard. Though, given her stunning facial features and alluring body language, it can be safely assumed that she is female. Furthermore, possibly, only a female can excrete with such dignified grace. Her behaviour during this entire process in which she produces a perfectly clove shaped excreta. You should watch her do it. She has often engrossed me during the time I pretend to have a bath.

The Breezy Life

2004-09-20T00:36:00.000-07:00

My friend is chronically depressed (it possibly is a malady that is seen automatically in people who are unfortunate enough to qualify as my ‘friends’, but then that’s strictly besides the point)

Mr. Moily is one of his two parents my friend Anil has. Anil has been a close pal for almost a decade now. Over this period, while visits at his place, I must have met Mr. Moily innumerable times. Whats of immediately worthy notice here is, as far as memory takes me, I’ve seen Mr. Moily only dead drunk, whatever be the time of the day, or the day of the year.

Additionally, almost everyday, Mr. Moily’s daughter (name withheld on request), casually chit-chats with the ghost of an erstwhile landlord of a large part of land on which Mr. Moily’s residential apartment stands today. Interestingly, she is quite blasé about these supernatural visits, and in fact frequently makes light, interesting anecdotal conversation about it.

After a certain years of silent tolerance, Mrs. Moily decided not to put up with her husband and his perennial influence of intoxicants, any more than she could accept her daughter’s informality and lack of reserve with dead landlords. It is now the opportune moment to add that even Anil had never been a model son to his mother (details withheld on request). The cumulative effect of all this was that Mrs. Moily disowned them collectively, is missing and has reportedly become a sanyasin. Untraceable by choice.

In parallel circumstances, for three years Anil has been getting meager increments at work, and his girlfriend cum fiancé recently summarized that she was off to Australia for good and if everything went well would never want to see him again.

Whew!! What a life!!

Man, in essence is Lonely

2004-09-17T03:38:00.000-07:00

And here's the proof:-

Ask even anyone who has many loves, friends, or a great understanding spouse, yet somewhere down there everyone feels lonely. Its just that one tends to magnify this feeling a bit out of proportion and get depressed.

Yes there are times when you feel acutely lonely, for eg. I’ve been going down on my knees begging before everyone I know to accompany me to Sangeeta Theatre Malad East to see ‘Sajanwa Se Kar Do Humra Milanwa Hai Raam’ ('Dear God, please allow my marriage to be consumated') - the latest superhit Bhojpuri film in the matinee show, but just no one was willing. No One !

However, does that mean I feel lonely? Do I feel depressed? I only laugh at all of you for not realizing what solid entertainment you guys are missing.

Something similar happened to me when I so badly wanted to see another highly interesting sounding Bhojpuri movie, 'Sainyyan Maggan Pehelwaani Mein' ('Alas, my husband is way too busy buffing up his body') ... no company.. Acute Loneliness!!!

Riddle Time !!

2004-09-17T03:33:00.000-07:00

Which lady in Indian Mythology had a green colored ass?
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.........

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Ans:- GANDHARI !!

The Musical Ear

2004-09-01T03:53:00.000-07:00

In some observant moments, I have often realised that during a discussion of fine music, my friends unfairly leave me and my views out very pointedly. They blame this exclusion to a combination of the following reasons:-

a) They have frequently found me guilty of humming, "Galle mein laal tie, ghar mein ek chaarpaai."

b) They have detected the presence of audiocassettes titled "DJ Doll" in the glove compartment of my car.

c) I have in the past vociferously defended the singing capabilities of Adnan Sami and Shabeer Kumar.

d) Mention Bappi Lahiri, and I get into a near trance.

e) Alisha Chinai's sighs make me experience sexual arousal

f) I have a fixated opinion that Beethoven aped Annu Malik

g) I insist on singing all their favorite songs in a manner how SP Balasubramnium might have sung it in his thickly accented Hindi.

Whats Your Excuse?

2004-09-01T03:42:00.000-07:00

Usually, a Date falls very broadly into two basic categories:-
a) The ones to be accepted
b) The ones to be declined
We can apply the 20-80% principal here, with 20 falling in the first category, and 80 falling in the second. It is a cardinal rule.

Now the moot point here is, when you are declining 80% of your probable dates, it has to be done it with a practiced panache. The clincher is the one big excuse that you need to give to avoid the date.

Again these excuses fall under two broad categories
a) The ones that sound plausible
b) Other that don’t
(Apply the 20-80% break up here again)

Most regrettably, most of my excuses do fall under the “I don’t buy that, why don’t you just say that you are not interested” section. But since we were born incorrigible, we still use them, with the confidence that it will ring absolutely true and bring about desirous effects, without mucho unpleasantness and sour exchanges. (Yeah right, go on say it, “What the hell do you think of yourself Prem, declining dates like that?”)

Here’s proudly presenting, my most time-worn, weather beaten, excuses to avoid a date, in no particular order. All equally unsuccessful in avoiding the subsequent grumpy retorts after their utilization.

a) Suddenly, I have a few guests at home
b) My mother wants to go shopping
c) Today is Raksha Bandhan, I have to take my sister for a movie
d) My dog broke his leg again
e) My parrot bit my niece’s finger, I have to rush her to the doc.
f) I got loose motions
g) I’m feeling very sleepy, you will get bored with me tonite
h) I have an early morning flight to Bhuj tommorow
i) I have a rash on my upper lip that’s due to an allergy to … umm.. air
j) I have an in-growing toenail, that hurts real bad

Manhandling

2004-09-01T01:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I hold it in my hand and shake it real hard much to the shock of gawking onlookers.

At other times, I like to beat it repeatedly against a hard surface, this time the onlookers cringe wondering how I can be so harsh with it.

But I firmly believe that this is exactly the kind of treatment that must be given to my obstinately errant Nokia handset that blanks out its screen display every now and then.

Does Anyone Need This? I Don't

2004-08-31T01:49:00.000-07:00

The End of any Loving Relationship:-

1) I will do this for you, only if you do that for me

2) I am doing this rotten thing to you because remember the time when you did something similar to me?

3) I will see to it that I squeeze out your ego from you

4) I am free to do what I want, but you have to ask me before any step you take.

5) You should feel blessed that you have met me, you would never have met anyone as good as me otherwise

6) I will not behave normally unless you apologise 22 times, rubbing your nose on my feet.

When Asha Parekh Came Home

2004-08-26T00:21:00.000-07:00

At times one simply has to assume the role of 'the big bad evil uncle' who snarls at his nephew warning him of dire consequences if he dare comes within 2 feet radius of the new pet puppy Selfish. All because kids from age 0 to 10 just cannot handle little puppies, despite all the instructions and training on puppy handling methodology that one may impart to them.

In such cases the nephew sulks till the cows come home, frets sullenly, and at worst bawls inconsolably everytime evil uncle snarls after spotting him almost jumping on the puppy's delicate back.

To put bawling nephew at ease, guilty uncle takes him on a walk and does the mistake of passing by a local pet shop. After spotting it in a cage bawling nephew has now his heart set on a Parrot. A parrot for God's sake

To cut a long story short, after a lot of deliberations and family dinner discussions, we finally got a pet parrot for him three days back, to pacify sulky nephew and the home has become a MAD HOUSE now.

It squawks like a possessed one, we have to cover its head with a towel to make the bird from hell shut up. That she sounds exactly like my all time favorite actress Asha Parekh, makes life even more noisy.

Wait a minute, I finally got a name for her, after rejecting all those routine names like 'Mithu' and 'Polly'... now her name has to be Asha Parekh! Wow.

How To Get Someone To Watch The News

2004-08-24T04:10:00.000-07:00

Here I was minding my own business, living my own self-satisfied existence, being my usual bored self over the past weekend, when I get a call from an old long forgotten acquaintence, asking me if I would like to attend some rave party happening on the Saturday night at a remote and secret beach-house. You know one of those marvelously depraved debauched dos that promise uneneding psycho trance music, freely flowing alcoholic beverages of various varieties, a non-stop supply of illicit drugs and oodles of illicit sex.

After careful consideration, after realising that I had been more or less a well behaved and a rather very good boy for most of 2004, and after calling up a few of my favorite people to confirm their attendance, the very next things I found myself doing was a nifty surya-namaskar routine, some quick dumbell curls, and a series of furious ab-crunches to get in shape for the party.

Shaved, cologned, and gelled we hit the venue by around 11.00 pm that night I found myself home by afternoon the next day.

While I slept peacefully for most of the Sunday evening, I was jolted by a phone call (By the way, I hate cell phones) that said, "We have had it, Prem.. did you know there were newschannel cameramen there. Watch out for the NDTV 24X7 news this evening, and Zee News at night, its all over the screen."

I just wanted to sit down and weep, quickly recollecting if I didnt do anything too bad on the dance floor, or anything too slimy in the corners, or anything too bohemian on the beach, and was left wondering how was it that I couldnt notice any cameramen.

That resulted in me doing the unthinkable,.. watching newschannels!! Swapping between NDTV and Zee News in quick succession. Hanging on to the screen while I awaited to see glimpses of our night of revelery, only to find no such thing and instead got unecessarily educated about why Uma Bharti resigned, enlightened about the demands of striking truckers, notified about the 'Congress(I) something something ceremony' at Talkatora gardens, and such other dull and sundry matters, I lead a pristine life being blissfully unware about.

What a waste of my time and sleep. Dumb friends and their dumb ideas of jokes.

Do You Banian Yourself?

2004-08-22T06:28:00.000-07:00

"Why do you guys have to wear a banian?" a friend asked me once indignantly.

Why indeed, for a moment I was semi-perplexed myself. She further added, "I'm sure just because we girls wear bras, youguys just had to have your equivalent."

I was momentarily stunned. Was that a bitter jibe or a cruel suspicion? Should I laugh and share the joke or should I denythe charge? I did not know what to do.

"WHAT!!" was all I said, dumbfounded by this preposterous assumption, this vile accusation.

"I can understand you wearing underwears of course, but I could never understand banians……" she went on, by then I had tuned off, thinking of me, myself and my banians wondering why I wear them. I had never been this nonplussed before by such an inane matter. I used to simply fit into one before wearing my shirt, like an ingrained involuntary action, without even thinking the whys of it all.

---------------------------Why banians?---------------------------
As I thought I realized immediately that banians did give a warm comforting feeling, that I missed on the days I went without them. Moreover some shirt materials do not feel really good touching the skin, so again a banian helps. Also, the shirt of sheer material falls better on a banianed body. Banians also give an extent of fullness to a scrawny body. However one must not wear a banian under a very see-through shirt. The only people who do that are Chiman Kalia, Pappu Kangee and IqbalHatella. (Know them?)

For the guys who sweat profusely banians helpget rid of that wet feeling, or that wet look. Even those who don'tsweat a lot feel an icky enveloping dampness without a banian.Banians help cover the sweaty patch that is otherwise seen under thearms (very noticeable otherwise on Nanda, and Moushmi Chatterji. Ithink you know them).

--------------What I do not like about banians-----------

Since I prefer to wear banians with sleeves, I hate it when `Sunday is longer than Monday' Allow me to elaborate on that. When you are wearing a half sleeved shirt or T shirt, under which you have worn a sleeved banian and the sleeve of the banian creeps out of the shirt sleeve…….I'm sure manymight have noticed or experienced it. I dislike that entire exercise of continuously tucking that running banian sleeve into the shirt-sleeve. I discussed this grave matter once with my friend Kalpesh and he smugly said, "That never happens tome as I have large biceps which you don't have. Why don't you workharder in the gym like I do?" Kalpesh incidentally is one of those guys who can afford to kill themselves in a gym three hours a day. His daddy has a flourishing construction business, thats why. Baap builder,beta body builder.

I also dislike hole-formations in banians. Somehow happens to thebest of them, perforated after prolonged use. This means its time toget new ones. Another sight that is not very nice to see early in the morning whilegetting dressed is discolorations on my banians. I like them to remain white, virginal, unstained and unblemished. Let's not get intodetails of why banians get stained/blemished, let's just say itsplain unpleasant. Banians hide the cuts in a body which has a well-defined musculature,hence are not to be favoured when you want to show off your physique.Banians could also cause in hindrance in sex. Maybe not always,sometimes they could add to the fun in their own clumsy way.

Hmmm... pretty analytical here!!

Arguements with Auto-Rickshaw Drivers

2004-08-13T23:57:00.000-07:00

In some of my usual crabby and irritated moods, I enjoy picking up fights with auto-rickshaw drivers. I have always found these guys a pleasure to be argumentative and pick fights with.

By and large, most of them have meters that are tampered to run faster than usual. Having spent a good part of my life traveling in these rattly things, gives me rough idea on the meter readings from various starting points to various destination points in my city. This rich & varied experience helps me immediately detect a faulty meter when I see one.

The best practice on detecting a faulty meter is to incite an argument mid-way through the journey aided by veiled allegations and mildly provocative words, albeit in soothing polite tones. Something on these lines, "Is your meter OK? You sure its not tampered."

Invariably this gets the auto-rickshaw driver's goat, and he vehemently denies it, saying that this was vile allegation on someone as honest as him. (Yeah yeah)

Next, one can make the same comment with more exasperation, more provocative words. "I'm sure you have done something to the meter, it can never be this high."

That does it. This begins a volley of exchanges, between passenger and driver. At this juncture, while the less vicious driver continues driving and takes passenger to destination, the more vicious driver asks passenger to get down immediately. The passenger need not alight, and its now time to strike and say the magic words, "Police Station"

"What do you mean get down from your auto? First of all, your meter runs too fast. Secondly, when I complain you start fighting and abusing me, on top of that you don’t even take me to my destination, and you are forcing me to get down, now this matter will be settled in the Police Station only, I will only get down there, Chalo Police Station."

Try it out, it actually works, the driver will just grumble a lot while taking you to your destination, then meekly accept the correct fare and not the overblown fare that appears on his tampered meter, as he knows that you know the right fare. And you can walk away with a smug face at having picked yet another fight with yet another cheater robber rickshaw-walla.

Witnessing an Early Morning Mating

2004-08-08T22:43:00.000-07:00

It is a pain to be woken up by 4 dogs howling away in your vicinty early in the morning on a sunday.

It is a pain to be woken up early morning on a sunday especially after you have had a particluarly late saturday night.

As I got dressed, this Sunday after being woken by the above mentioned howling canines, to leave for a few morning chores, climbing down the flights of steps from my home, before me was a dog and his mate in the middle of an orgasm, with two other dogs standing at their guard growling at me.

Frankly, I hate the very sight of stray dogs, especially when they are mating. From a water bottle in my bag, I flung its contents at the coital couple, while the rest of the pack nearly charged at me, I had to pick a stick lying nearby and assume particularly gruff tone to ward them off and chase them away.

Stray dogs and I have never been the best of friends. I make it a point to effectively disengage them when I see some in the middle of reproductive activities. Not because I'm jealous and am not getting much myself, but simply because I dont want more stray pups around my area.

Maneka Gandhi wanted to show the world what a dog lover she is and banned the killing of strays, but ask anyone who has had to work nightshifts and is dropped home by their company bus at the building gates. At 3am, that 2 minute walk towards your home is an endurance test, with 8-10 dirty, stinking, fang baring, diseased strays growling at you, or coming up to smell your privates. Its a NIGHTMARE!!

Am I free to name my dog what I want to name him?

2004-07-30T04:48:00.000-07:00

The name I zeroed down on for my new puppy was “Selfish”. There is no deeper implication to it, I just wanted to keep a dog and name him Selfish.

But that wasn't to be the end of the story. Selfish's vet always asks his name again as if she cant understand it, and says, " Selfish?? Is that really his name?" Family members said from day one, that they do not even feel like calling him. Neighbours say that you have finally validated our fears of your semi-sanity. While my ex-girlfriend says that she wished my parents had named me that. Elder brother takes a wholly moral stand to it, saying that naming a dog thus is nothing less than a sin.

Nevertheless, I love this name and so does Selfish who responds to it as if it was his name for the past many births. So there!