I wish I was a surgeon

There are times when I wish I was a mad surgeon on the rampage. I can immediately think of a number of people whom I would want supine on my surgery table, under general anaesthesia, while I have a go at them with scalpels, knives, scissors, hacksaws and the works. Cutting them open, watch some internal body fluids gush out akin to fountains, dig out their innards, put them up and about for display purposes to interested audiences, and then standing back and admiring all my skillfull work, like a painter looking at his favorite just completed painting.

Father dear wanted me to enrol in MBBS eons ago, if he is reading this somewhere he would be glad I was an obstinate oaf who didn't listen to him.

If Men wrote Agony Columns

If men wrote Agony Columns in COSMOPOLITAN (and such women’s magazines)
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Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, while you go buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behaviour.
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Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal, after you perform oral sex on him.
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Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Why don't you instead buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
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Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
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Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
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Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
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Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
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Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Even before if possible.
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Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you just do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
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Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you
suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, cooking him a delicious meal or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready. Never mention this aspect of his behaviour
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Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
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Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
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The Nitpicking Clan

Without any notable exceptions, most of my relatives fall into a category of people who are never easily impressed. Especially so while attending weddings. This is one scenario which makes them all uniformly hyper-critical. Whatever be the shamelessly ostentatious venues for those series of unecessary ceremomies spread over a week, whatever be the various flashy finery the bride the groom and their guests are dressed in, whatever be the innumerable courses of food and desserts served, whatever be the music and entertainment arangements, whatever be the hopelessly outdated or sickeningly in-fashion mandap and shamiana decorations, or flower displays, etc. etc. these guys are all singularly unimpressed, unentertained, unsatiated.

Most of them attend these dos to note shortcomings, find faults, nitpick and criticise, and one wedding would be fodder enough for malicious maligning for the rest of the year, even at the slightest remotest reminder of the event long gone by, they would come back to discussing it with renewed enthusiasm, and fresh criticisms of newer points and perspectives somehow left unanalysed in all talks hitherto.

"Did you see what kind of catering arrangements Sharma Aunty had made for Bela's mehndi raat? Too much salt in the food."

"And did you see what she was wearing, these days even class three clerks make their daughters dress better in their weddings."

"And what noodle shoodle things they served for dinner? They just bought some seviyaan and made it salty and call it chinese food."

"Arrangements were not up to the mark at all. I dont like to stand in a line for food, am I some kind of a qaidi?"

"How could they allow the whiskey to get over after 5 days of celebrations and continuous guzzling? They just dont know how to take care of guests. Its all so embarassing. Inki shaadiyon mein toh jaana hee nahi chahiye."

"We thought if we dont attend, yeh log mind karr jayenge, thats why we just came to say hello shello to them, but who had thought it would be so much of takleef. For them we even cancelled our Australia trip which the kids were so much looking forward to, and this is how we are treated in return, its the limit. We got only half the air-fare refunded, its not that I'm complaining about the money lost, its just that my children were really sad, you know its the fourth time such a holiday to Australia is being cancelled, the last three times also happened for relatives' weddings. All said and done, I feel even if they are terribly organised we have to attend weddings, after all if we dont attend their weddings, who will come to attend our children's weddings"

Its a Funny bunch I have been blessed with.